Is it better to desire or be desired?

There’s something about Chappell Roan’s “Good Luck Babe” that makes me feel like I’m going through a breakup with a lover I never had. I put my headphones on, grab a remote (because it’s obviously a mic now), and sing along like I’m legit feeling it.

Except I’ve never been in love. Or maybe I have, with the idea of being desired. Which brings me to the question that’s been circling in my head ever since I read this article on dirt.fyi: “Is it better to desire or to be desired?” Before I let the internet feed me with stats and think pieces, I decided to ask my friends—and, yeah, ask myself—because, honestly, the answer feels like it could unlock something deep. Or at least stop me from hitting ‘repeat’ on Chappell Roan for the tenth time this morning.

One friend said being desired is pure external validation. And honestly? They’re right. Being desired is like being front and center at your own concert—the spotlight is on you,It’s kind of like living out a straight-up fanfic y/n moment. You become the fantasy, the person someone else wants to know, to have. It’s flattering. It makes you feel seen, and known.

A friend once pointed out that every piece of poetry and every love story—whether it’s about unrequited love or fulfilled—all boils down to one thing: someone’s desire for someone else. It’s that simple, that messy, and that universal.

It’s one of those rare times, where being desired feels deeper, like more than just external validation. It’s like someone else noticing the things that make you, you, the favorite song you play on repeat, the obscure quote from that niche show you can’t stop referencing (i will for sure fall head over heels if anyone references b99,fleabag and sylvia plath). It’s not just about them wanting you, it’s about them seeing the parts of you that matter most, and maybe that’s the best kind of desire.

In its purest form, being desired is dreamy, when its from the right person with all the rom-com feels. Otherwise, with all the unwanted attention, you go from feeling flattered to feeling trapped.

Then there’s desire. The messy, completely uncontrollable part, "let's leave it to imagination" kind of thing. Wanting someone, or something, is like a slow burn in the seven seasons sitcom but in real life. It’s messy and awkward, the kind of feeling that leaves you thinking, Desire is raw and vulnerable. And even though it’s harder, I kind of think it’s better.

Maybe that’s the thing about desire, It’s freeing because it’s all internal, but that’s also a little tragic. But to desire, is the fuel behind romanticizing moments of our lives, the reason we put our headphones on and sing like i’ve lived through every bad breakup, even though the closest thing to heartbreak that i have felt is being left on read lol

so obsessed with this answer

To desire for me. Desiring and being desired feel inextricably entangled to me. I read somewhere that a lot of women derive pleasure, narcissistically, from being desired. I think it’s more universal than that. Everyone wants to be wanted. But I have also learned to associate being desired in ways I can’t reciprocate with painful, embarrassing situations it’s hard to extricate myself from. Being desired feels cheap sometimes, easy to provoke in mindless ways. It’s kind of the negative of feeling, being looked at, being felt for, being made up in someone else’s imagination. I’d always choose desiring because I desire someone who is better than me, a sure route to disappointment, ok. But also because that feeling is the craziest thing in the world. There’s nothing I can say about desire that won’t sound really cliché, but there is absolutely nothing else that feels that good.

There’s something so human about wanting someone who’s out of reach, like a self-inflicted heartbreak we willingly sign up for. But in the end, “the only thing worse than desiring is not desiring at all”.

In a perfect world, we’d all end up with the people we desire, but where’s fun in that? We all need those “one that got away” stories to cling onto, the almosts and what-ifs stories for our late night overthinking sessions and maybe a playlist to fuel those thoughts. And when maybe if it does workout, makes up a bigger story with a different playlist.

But, I still don’t know what I would choose though, maybe its both or neither (lol no, that’s crazy), or maybe I’d wait for the next song to hit a little closer to home.